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Toxicity In Music And How SchoolBoy Q’s Prescription/Oxymoron Shaped My Addiction

Many of our artists these days idolize drug use from their lyrics to their music videos. We’ve lost many to OD and to side affects of drug withdrawal or usage, the most recent being Juice WRLD. Whether or not it’s confirmed that his death is from his drug usage, we can safely assume that his lifestyle was not a straight edge lifestyle. Many artists such as Lil Wayne, Chief Keef, Mac Miller, Fredo Santana, Elvis Presley, Eminem, etc. have had or still have an addiction to prescription drugs, most being opiates. So seizures is common within the addict community. Of course, you don’t drink a cup a codeine and have a seizure right after. Like any destructive addiction, these side affects occur over time and those unfortunate enough to experience them, are either dead (We all know who RIP), struggling to stay healthy with constant seizures, heart problems, frequent visits to hospitals (Lil Wayne for example) or decided to take the best alternative and got clean (Eminem).

Like I said, no matter the consequences, the euphoric effects caused by using an obsessive amount of the drug of preference is almost always included in many songs by our favorites and our youth can’t help but get curious about what they’re listening to. Our most recent hero to pass, Juice WRLD had his hit song “Lucid Dreams” on replay on the radio for months after it came out and even still constantly played by fans and radio stations alike after it’s time of popularity. Personally, the line that got me to relate was:

I take prescriptions to make me feel a-okay

I know it’s all in my head

– Juice WRLD, Lucid Dreams

Of course, I was an avid user of prescription pain killers so any depressing song about heart breaks was bound to motivate me to take more pills than I’m used to. Why are kids so easily influenced by what these rappers say? Good question. I grew up listening to Eminem, early YMCMB, and G-Unit. Before the era of trap music and pill popping came along so my addiction doesn’t stem off of Xanax and codeine but that’s not to say, I didn’t listen to that music once the time came. My influence wasn’t music but certain songs absolutely got me in the mood to use. Again, I can’t speak for today’s youth but from my own experience, lyrics are becoming more and more relatable these days. I have to be honest, I wasn’t “sippin’ on gin and juice” as a kid and I wasn’t gonna “shoot em up” if I had a problem with my classmates. Of course, eventually I became the stereotypical young adult from the hood during this era, but songs now a days revolve around sex, drugs, killing and dysfunctional relationships. And of course the occasional, “twerk” song that females love dancing to. Though it never mentions the risks behind all of these illicit activities that captures the attention of anyone who dares to listen.


Now on to the main topic of my post. A song that perfectly describes how it feels to be an addict. I listened to SchoolBoy Q and TDE faithfully during my time in college so I became a huge fan purchasing several of his albums. Of course, when I had my epic down fall I completely focused all my time on my addiction and strayed away from social media and his music as a whole. Actually any music. My life became empty. No music, no communication with the outside world, just drugs. But before that, I fell in love with his music and loved it almost as much as I loved my demon. From reading my content you’ll come to find out that my demon was my one true love for a time, opiates. Percs, oxy, heroin, fentanyl, you name it, I did it and I loved it. Of course I’d mix my love for an enhanced “black out” feeling with Xanax, liquor and marijuana but that quickly ended after numerous altercations, accidents and mornings waking up wondering what the f*ck happened the last 12-24 hours. Sh*t sometimes even 48 hours.

With that being said, SchoolBoy Q had just dropped his platinum album, and by far my favorite project, “Oxymoron.” He features the likes Of Kendrick Lamar, A$AP Rocky etc. But the one song that captured my ear was a song that only had him on it. Of course every song gives us a taste of his drug filled, gangsta life style but this one in particular truly captured the “addict” lifestyle that we all hit at some point. Prescription/Oxymoron – SchoolBoy Q.

Mostly just the first half, is what would really open my eyes and release my temptations, of course I’m fully aware that this song highlights the negative aspects of being an addict but to me, it was just a reason to escape.

Prescription drugs, I fell in love

My little secret, she gon’ kill a thug

My body numb, she like to give me hugs

I love her touch, I get a rush

When she don’t come around, I start to go nuts

SchoolBoy Q, Prescription/Oxymoron

Once you truly feel the agonizing pain of not having your favorite drug, you come to realize how much you truly think you need it. Key word “think”. From those intense body aches to that loving “rush” you get after finally consuming the “love of your life”, his lyricism captures each moment of that “relationship” we develop with our favorite drug(s). His portrayal of addiction is so captivating that I even nicknamed my own habit after his lyrics, “my little secret.” Of course we all know that drug addiction is not little in any way, shape or form but when you’re an addict you stupidly assume that no one will ever notice your change of personality, lack of hygiene, loss of interest in usual activities and overall different lifestyle. Personally, I went from a financially stable, loyal friend, boyfriend and father to a despicable human piece of garbage who lied, cheated, stole and hurt anyone who I saw would benefit me.

I cry when nothing’s wrong, I’m mad when peace is involved

My senses harmed, sluggish ruggish

A couple Xannies popped, open my pill box

Prescription drugs

SchoolBoy Q, Prescription/Oxymoron

I wish I took this song as a warning instead of an escape, especially when my own senses became “sluggish” and “harmed” or when I’d being to “cry when nothing’s wrong”, but I just felt one with the song instead. I’d pretend that I’m the one who wrote it and would constantly quote his lyrics, even after my temporary separation from music. Though, the one line that I should’ve truly listened to was the most important…

What’s wrong? You tired? You mad? Okay, I love you, daddy

SchoolBoy Q, Prescription/Oxymoron

Q masterfully and elegantly adds his daughters adorable voice in to symbolize her worries for him, trying to get his attention throughout the song but he’s too high and too worried about his next phone call being his dealer.

If you ain’t selling drugs, then I don’t hear a thing

-SchoolBoy Q, Prescription/Oxymoron

Again I now see it as a foreshadow on my life, the times I’d stare at my phone praying that my dealer would call me back just to deny me a cuff I had asked for hours earlier. Ignoring my son because I was too sick to be a father. I wish I had grasped this song for what it truly was, a warning. A warning that addiction is no joke. That addiction will take over your life and that short lived feeling of “love” and euphoria is temporary and will soon turn into the one feeling you hate the most. The feeling that will make you prefer death over experiencing it, which eventually leads you to empty your accounts, steal from your significant other and/or family, steal from jobs or even plan to rob people or stores. Even plan to kill, depending on how deep you get. If you’re easily influenced and need a depressing song to get high to, I don’t recommend it. But the point of this is to acknowledge this song and my interpretation of it with my own experience as an addict. Should you listen to this master piece, keep in mind all the young souls lost to addiction, side effects from drugs and anything related to their pernicious effects.

This is my first real excerpt from a chapter in my book that explains my addiction and my toxic influences, of course I added the first part of it so it could help relate with the tragedy we recently faced but as always I hope to receive some constructive feedback and I hope those of you who took the time to read who are at risk or already using, will truly put my experiences into consideration. Again I go into more detail of the pain I cause once my book is released or to those who are interested in reviewing my chapters, but please remember the risks. That temporary feeling of love is not worth the lifestyle you eventually get out of it. – Jay Addicted, Fruits Of Addiction : A Pernicious Love

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A Moment Of Weakness And Nothing More

Last night was not a good night for me. As you all know I’ve been trying to promote myself and my upcoming project so it’s important that I live up to the role I want to portray. The fight against addiction is never ending and if I relapse then I’m just another hypocrite promoting and writing material that I have no business preaching.


Just some facts about myself as a person. I’m very introverted so starting a blog is way out of character for me, even if I am using an alias. Although, I am not revealing my true identity just yet, speaking on my life, experiences and opinions is a very difficult task but I put my heart into it. I’ve always loved writing but I never saw myself as talented, still don’t, so I never revealed any pieces I’ve made. Of course writing a book is a huge step for me but like I state in my upcoming project:

I assure you that the completion of this book will symbolize my promise to love and to prevent anymore pain from being spread from my behalf.

Jay Addicted, “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love”

That promise, at this point, is all I have as motivation to keep striving and keep pushing forward. I understand, building a fan base, or support base is very hard and takes a lot of time but that is something I am absolutely willing to do. Again, not for myself but in order to use my experiences and knowledge to maybe prevent one life from knowing the pain and struggles behind addiction. Trust and believe my project did not start as a book. In fact it started as a completely different piece for a completely different outcome. Again, this is something I share in my project, but I won’t be sharing that in this post.

Yes, I’d love the feedback but somethings I still don’t feel confident enough sharing. Even though I didn’t leave out any details in my book, it’s still not public so I still have that time to build the confidence I need to share my story and perfect my writing so that it’s a piece worth reading. From my many failures to the pain and tears I’ve caused, that project is literally my life. Of course I hope to spread awareness of the destructive nature behind drug use and addiction but aside from the promise I made, it will also symbolize my rebirth as a person who has been successful with sobriety.


But back to why I had a bad night. For anyone who took the time to read my posts, know that my wife has suffered a lot by my hand, but what I haven’t written is the suffering I’ve experienced since attempting to stay clean for as long as possible. Yes, I’m a recovering addict. Yes, I’ve been successfully sober. But what non-addicts don’t understand is that no matter how long an addict has been sober, they’ll always be an addict. There’s no cure for addiction. This disease is permanent so relapse is always a possibility. Yes, my book dropping will symbolize my rebirth but realistically, I can’t tell the future and I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years. The idea is to spread positivity and spread the idea that sobriety is possible!

My problem had a lot to do with my wife and her family interfering with our relationship, and mistakes I’ve made in the past reminded her of how I used to be. Even though I’m confident that I’m a different better improved person, I started having doubts that she doesn’t believe the same. Me being clear minded from the lack of drugs has made me unbelievably calm that I don’t get mad and aggressive anymore but I can’t erase who I once was. Although I wish we were able to properly communicate, I saw that the damage I truly caused her and now I know that it’s not as simple as I thought. Even though I’ve been doing better, and our relationship was feeling whole again, it became so obvious that the feeling hasn’t been mutual. The fact of the matter is that I haven’t felt this blind since the time every inch of my view was clouded. That diluted view that I had, thinking she could just get over my past was completely unrealistic. Realizing that made me want to use again. How can I try to be a public figure when I still have moments of weakness like that?

I believe my past self is still dormant and once he felt my stresses he began whispering to me, but I ignored him as best as I could and ignored any negative feelings I had and still have while writing this post. I’m happy to say I’m still sober, but right now it’s not an accomplished feeling, it’s more of a painful feeling that needs to be satisfied. It is now 4 am and I don’t know how else to make my wife feel confident about the seriousness in my changes and my loyalty to her.

I can’t say that I can go back to who I was before I started doing harder drugs because I already corrupted my innocence. I can at least say that I shed my past self into a new version of myself who will continue my mission to fight addiction. I will continue to be the example I needed when I was a child and later when I hit rock bottom. Maybe that’s what she needs to see?

Hopefully in time when my book received the feedback it needs, the final copy of it will be powerful enough to open my wife’s eyes and erase and doubts she has. I just want her to be proud of what her man wrote and proud of what he’s trying to accomplish. I do everything for my wife and my kids. And everything else I do is for those who need someone to say “I’m here for you.” Only God knows that I needed that when experiencing my own struggles. – Jay

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“His Little Secret”

I’ve done a lot of writing lately, aside from the book I am looking to finish, I had another idea for a book which I’ll probably end up doing for book 2 if I even manage to change lives with my first book. This is more of a poetic piece but just an idea I had either way.

It’s an excerpt with two perspectives. One from the addicts eyes (the reasons for his actions, his thought process and his response to her pain) and the other being from her eyes (trying to be supportive, suffering from his actions, her own thoughts on his addiction). Here’s a quick excerpt, I hope any readers enjoy it!! By the way, no it’s not fiction. This is based off of conversations I’d have with my wife and her family.


“I love him. I love him. I love him. I… Love him? Each day he gives me more and more reason to question my love for him. Disappearing throughout the day, disappearing throughout the night. My card disappearing from my purse and money disappearing from my account. Yet he always comes back empty handed. But why? Why would he empty my account knowing I pay bills? Why would he empty my account knowing I feed the kids? Why would he empty my account when he could just get clean and get a job??

Yeah I know his ‘little secret’, I know he puts poison into his body. I don’t know what exactly it is, I just know it’s important enough to leave his girl and kids without money.. it changed him. It made him angry and it made him depressed. He gets sick and stays in bed all day, he gets violent and puts his hands on me all night. I love him, I really do love him… but does he love me? Does he love me enough to stop? Does he love me enough to be the man I fell in love with?”

“I love her. I love her to death. I love her through thick, I love her through thin. She makes me so happy, when she’s gone I feel sad. I need her warmth, I need her touch. I need her in my sleep and I need her when I’m awake. If I don’t have her I’m sick and depressed all day. Even though I can only see her and feel her when I have money, I’ll do whatever I have to. No matter the time, no matter the place. I need her, and I love her. I know she loves me, if she didn’t then why would she make me feel so euphoric? My love, my little secret…

Oh and my girlfriend? She doesn’t understand. I want to love her. Even though she hates me. Even though she puts her hands on me. She blames me for everything and slaps me around. ‘Don’t touch me and I won’t touch you’. She wouldn’t understand, even if I told her”

-Jay

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Addiction And Physical Abuse : Two Peas In A Pod?



In order to spread awareness, we come into terms with acceptance. I know, I know. I’m going to sound unbelievably cliché. Well believe it. The first step to recovery is acceptance. Accept that you have an addiction, accept your traumatic past and accept your traumatizing mistakes. This topic is one I take very seriously and I promptly discuss it in my upcoming book “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love” by myself, Jay Orgullo also known as J. Addicted.

When trying to remember my childhood , I recall growing up around abuse, fear and anger. From being forced to watch my father literally beat the earrings off my mothers head, to experiencing his traumatic rage for myself, that fear inevitably evolved into an unbearable hatred that influenced my decisions dramatically.

I recall my father being an addict himself, but unlike me, his addiction has always been alcohol which was eventually traded out for gambling.

– Jay Addicted, Fruits Of Addiction : A Pernicious Love

In order to get answers, you have to ask questions. The exact question I discuss: “Is domestic and child abuse a viable reason as to why those who suffer from it, resort to addiction?” Of course I don’t discuss my opinions from statistical stand point, but from a moral and personal point point of view . During my time at Bridgewater State University, I pursued a background in Psychology and Criminal Justice (for the obvious childish reason, to avenge my mother) with my own concentration of domestic violence, child abuse and the psyche of the abuser. Like any “perfect” mommas boy, the obvious thirst for revenge I developed pushed me to pursue the laws in Massachusetts regarding the issues by learning more about them. My main goal was to understand what other factors, aside from addiction, may have influenced my father to find daily pleasure in beating down his wife and his eldest son.


Why does he hate me so much? Am I really that bad of a son, mami?

“No mijo. You’re not a bad son, papi just needs his rest. He had a stressful day at work. He loves all of us…”

Love? It even sounded like she was trying to believe it herself. As much as she wanted to believe that, she’d hold me trying to keep me as quiet as possible, trembling in fear hoping she doesn’t say anything in a manner that may offend him. My father’s abuse isn’t how I’d define love even being so young all those years of his toxic behavior. That must’ve been some rough 3rd world love from their native country because, as an American myself, I’ve only seen American parents scold their kids just to apologize to them afterwards. Uh yeah, I was unbelievably jealous. But then again it did make me feel as if I was tough because of what I endure.

Obviously years later I learning that abuse in a household was much more common than I thought hence my extensive research at my university.

When I attended NA meetings, a common pattern I’d see is people blaming their addiction on their childhood, or the influence their own parents’ addictions would have on them. Of course it’s hard not to hold grudges, which I did for years but I don’t blame my father’s abuse nor his addictions. I don’t blame my mother when she’d feel no other choice than to spank me as well so that my father doesn’t feel as she’s contradicting him. I don’t blame my culture and I don’t blame my parents’ generation where discipline revolved around spanking wrists with rulers, spanking with belts and bare hands, though I wish that’s the only punishment my mother and I would’ve gotten. I know what my older audience may think, “man up, you millennials complain about everything. When I was your age my father would hit me with a rock.” Okay caveman, calm down. Yeah my father wouldn’t use rocks or whatever the f*ck. Though, sometimes when he’d a strip me naked, throwing me in the shower with freezing cold water and whip me with his belt with a barrage of close handed strikes to the face, head, body, and back. When I was too big for him to do that anymore, he’d stick to strictly punches to the face and head and if I had my shirt off, whips across my chest and back with the occasional shot for the head that I would dodge which resulted it more whips.

Who knew I was closer to understanding and answering my own questions than I thought? My own experiences with domestic and child abuse stems back to my child hood but you know what? I didn’t blame my early exposure to addiction and abuse. If I did then I’d indirectly be blaming my father for my own decisions. Truth is I wasn’t even thinking about my past when I smoked weed for the first time. I wasn’t thinking about my father beating my mother when I transitioned over to opiates. Maybe I did inherit my father’s “addict” gene. Shit I might even have his “gambling every weekend” gene too. Countless studies say that addiction is almost always passed down from parent to child. In my case that seems very likely.

Just so we’re on the same page, drug abuse.gov has it’s own article on this topic so I’ll be referring to their definitions. The article states:

Genetics is the study of genes. Genes are functional units of DNA that make up the human genome.

Genetics and Epigenetics of Addiction, drugabuse.gov

Regarding children who witness/experience abuse/violence of any kind; they are said to be more likely to become addicted to substances. So maybe that’s the reason why I became an addict and followed my father’s footsteps? Is that the reason why I began to treat my wife almost as bad as he treated my mother? And is that why I began to neglect (which is a form of abuse) my kids once I turned all my attention to getting high and making sure I had drugs for when I ran out?

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) report that more than a third of adolescents with a report of abuse or neglect will have a substance use disorder before they reach their 18th birthday.

Silvermist recovery

In a recent study published in the Journal of Drug and Alcohol Dependence, researchers from Columbia University found that domestic abuse drastically increases the likelihood of the onset of chemical dependency.

– Silvermist Recovery

No matter the evidence provided, every addict has their own reasoning. I know very little about my father’a past, but he had a childhood much worse than me and he suffered worse than my mother and I did. Aside from myself, my father fits the statistics but statistics don’t ask questions as to why people do what they do. I’m not just a statistic, I’m not just a decimal of a percentage. I didn’t resort to drug addiction because I’m scarred from my childhood. And unfortunately, just like my father I took out my anger on my wife but his face wasn’t on her head when I’d hurt her or yell at her. I was blind by my love for drugs but I was also completely aware of my actions.

My childhood didn’t cross my mind all those times I’d have my fits and tear into the mother of my children. I hadn’t even resorted to this level of domestic violence until I hit “rock bottom” and began making my love of drugs a priority over my family’s happiness. I’m an adult, I had a choice and I was conscious. I knew exactly what I was doing and my childhood isn’t what drove me to violence nor addiction.

Jay Addicted, “Fruits Of Addiction : A Pernicious Love

Again, this is discussed much more in depth in my memoir. Whether I just turned a whole group of readers against me, I am going to be completely honest with my own experiences as well as my opinions. Obviously I’ll also be as respectful as possible, but if I was still the lying junkie I once was then I wouldn’t be able to speak about my flaws honestly. My hope of this post, excerpts from my book and quick study is for readers to understand the perspective of the abused/ abuser and the damage caused to the women who promised to love us.


Sources

https://www.silvermistrecovery.com/blog/2018/september/2019-guide-the-link-between-childhood-trauma-and/

https://archives.drugabuse.gov/news-events/nida-notes/1998/07/exploring-role-child-abuse-in-later-drug-abuse

https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/genetics-epigenetics-addiction

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First Impressions Are The Most Important

Addiction. Such a sensitive topic. Not only because of the amount of people who suffer from it, but because of the amount of people who ridicule it. I should know, I used to be one of those people. Key words, by the way, “used to.” I’m not here to “preach” nor to glorify my days as an addict, my goal is to one day become a voice in our community who influences positivity for those who are and might one day be addicts themselves.

What makes me think that I can speak on this topic? Well you see… I believe that only those who actually have experience in a chosen field should be the ones who speak upon it. What sense would it make if I started a blog about the female body? Yeah, I know a thing or two, and like few men I know my way around it. But I’m not a woman. I never will be and I don’t face the every day struggles that a women faces. I’ll never have that experience no matter how much research I do. With that being said, would you rather have an actual drug addict give their opinion and input on addiction or someone who’s done “research”? Oops.

I guess I spilled the beans a tad early.

Hi. My name is Jay. I’m an addict. I’d say I’m a “recovering addict” which is true but I don’t know when I’m going to relapse or if I ever will again. I mean, yeah the goal is to stay sober but sometimes I feel like that’s all I’m doing anymore. Is that bad? Absolutely not. Addiction itself is not a crime. Okay yeah, your family and friends may look at you different or talk behind your back. Whatever. They’d do it even if you weren’t. And that’s a fact. People are impossible to please. Sh*t, I’m impossible to please. Sorry, I get sidetracked a lot. Back to addiction. DRUG addiction (something I should’ve mentioned earlier). In my case, DRUG addiction destroyed everything. Actually, let me stop myself right there. It wasn’t DRUG addiction who did the damage, we like to bestow so much power on our addiction as if it was a Godly figure controlling our every movement but it’s not. What destroyed my relationships, my well being and my financial stability were the decisions I made while under addiction’s mesmerizing trance. I’m lucky to say I’m a husband to one, father to two, brother to three and hope to be a voice for all who suffer from this calamitous disease.

Yes, I absolutely acknowledge k I personally ruined my life chasing the euphoric effects of opiates. When suffering from drug addiction you fall in love with every aspect of it. The feeling you get from hearing you dealer say “I’ll be there in 20” to the feeling you get when you hear tires rolling over gravel in your driveway knowing that your 3 hour wait is finally over. The rush itself is sometimes even better than the high. But I’m not here to idolize drugs nor am I here to demonize it. Like I said, we all make our own decisions and it’s those decisions that shape us into the kind of people we’ll become when under the negative influence of drugs. “This is so irrelevant, all junkies lie and steal.” False, though it may have been true for me and for the majority, but I’ve known a few who are fully capable of making an honest living, provide for their family and are still able to fill their veins with their drug of preference. Sometimes one, sometimes all.

Again, my hope is to become the voice for those who are unwilling to speak upon their own experiences, their wishes, goals, desires and failures. We need love and we’re capable of love. Most may think my post is amateur, irrelevant and undesirable. I apologize for taking up your time and I am truly grateful for those who even took the time to read this far. But my posts are mainly directed to those few who need to hear “you’re not alone.” Cliché? Perhaps. Necessary? Absolutely.

“The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less” – Eldridge Cleaver

One more thing. I’m currently working on somewhat of a “memoir” which, like this blog, is meant to spread awareness and also reach out to potential addicts with the hopes that they use my experiences and opinions as a guide on what not to do. Below is a short excerpt from my book. Again thank you to those who took the time to read this far and not leave behind any hate. Although, for those of you who are interested in the topic or have your own experiences/suffer from addiction, please feel free to leave constructive criticism. I’ll be leaving excerpts on each post relevant to what I speak about and those who are willing to give feed back on the actual chapters please let me know. Thank you again. -Jay

I made many decisions when chasing my demon, trying to grasp her beauty. I reached until I couldn’t anymore, I ran. Ran as fast as I could until I tripped, fell and lost myself in the process. Does that make me less of a person? What am I now? Does my past get replaced by this alter ego possessed by the love for my demon? She’s a part of me, always will be. I can either accept her the way others accept God, or I can deny her and reclaim myself; forge my own path and rise above the devastation she created for me. I’m not another statistic. I’m a man. I’m a survivor. I am more than this addiction and I am more than just a “junkie.” I’m the chosen one. Even if I chose myself. I’m still the chosen one.

– J. Addicted, “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love”