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A Past Life That Keeps Haunting…

God damn… Why can’t I finally catch a break?? The more blessings come my way, the more destruction blocks my path. Sometimes it seems as if my demons are doing everything in their power to drag me back to the life I tried so hard to escape… They are trying to drag me back to my own personal hell.

Maybe if I had this same exact resilience when I was young and inexperienced, I wouldn’t have this problem. I wouldn’t have walked up and down Main St. and called every dealer I knew looking for those blue sources of pleasure and euphoria that eventually lead me to the black tar of death. Or was it the “white China?” I don’t remember the nicknames honestly, all I know is that after years of consecutive pill to body intimacy I had changed. I lost all the values I once had. I became the embodiment of everything I stood against.

See, that’s what drug use does to an addict. The pleasure we get and later chase, as if it was the only source of life we have left, is it’s own kind of fucked up intimacy. Chasing that dragon, and the euphoria we get is comparable to – if not- better (but also worse) than any other pleasure our 5 senses will ever encounter. The only price is a life time of mental trauma and physical blemishes such as bad teeth, our bodies and faces falling apart… Oh! And those painful withdrawals that bring out the worst in us.

I’ve been trying so hard to progress my life ever since I’ve released my first book “The Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love, ” ever since my son’s mother left me, and ever since I had climbed out of that seemingly never-ending hell, rock bottom. I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s walking on the path of recovery that wants a fresh start. One with no cravings, no whispers, and no mishaps that have us contemplating whether quitting was “worth it” or not.

Before I get any further, let me assure you that quitting is worth it. The life-threatening highs, painful lows and the terrible decisions we contemplate in order to acquire those temporary but severely damaging highs will never be worth the torment that follows. I’ve been realizing that for almost 2 years now. Yes, I’ve had slip-ups, I’m not perfect, and my past life still haunts me. I lie awake wishing death upon myself for ever becoming the piece of shit I am today. I still have fights with people who I owed money to, and I still have to fight for my life. Whether it be dodging bullets or fighting 3-5 people at a time, the past life of a wannabe thug turn drug addict follows closely behind.

At the end of the day, living this life will always end in prison, as an addict on the streets or in a casket. To follow a path of recovery you must love yourself and cherish the very life you may sometimes want to end. But something I learned was that it took my close encounters with death to truly value what living was all about. For a long time, I felt as if my existence was not necessary. I felt that I had no purpose and all I did was hurt those I loved. I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. The many cuts across my torso and forearms did not take my life, but they did leave scars to remind me how weak I once was.

I’ve experienced prison and addiction for a large portion of my life. I now pray I don’t die for a very long time… I learned to love life and I am slowly getting to know myself, but if my time does come then I leave you with another post that will hopefully enlighten those who value self-redemption.


This morning I ate a chocolate – Dove specifically- and in the wrapper had caught my eye. It had something small written inside. Short, simple, and to the point yet it held such a significant meaning that only few will actually reflect upon.

“Always make your past self jealous.”

Sometimes I sit and reflect about how far I’ve gotten but then I digress and think about the trouble I’ve gotten in since then. It seems like I will forever be bound to a life of torment. Shit, it even got to the point where I picked up 9 more charges, most being felonies because of my ALLEGED stupidity and the overly strict laws of MA. The main difference between my current and past self, aside from the paths we walked on, is that my past self NEVER got caught.

I got too comfortable with sobriety. Walking down a straight edge line made me believe that “I was no longer doing whatever I can to get high” so I did not need to be careful with my actions. Of course, all of the bad karma I’ve accumulated over the years are far from done with me, it was time to collect.

I was never a religious individual, how could anyone say that we were crated by a deity that no one has ever seen? Who created THAT deity? I don’t know, it was all unrealistic to me, but I will never judge anyone for having their own faith. I used to believe in God, until God turned his back on me and let me suffer for all of these years. The thing about sobriety is, believing in a higher power is a necessity when walking the path of recovery. I was assed out in that aspect because I did not believe in anything anymore. A “God” who loves us all? Okay so if (he/she/whatever other pronouns) loved me then why would they let people shoot at me and try to kill me? Why would this “God” let anyone threaten to kill my child? What kind of “God” even allows drugs and addiction plague our lives?

All questions I already knew the answer to.

All questions that I was able to contemplate now that I had a clear mind.

That is until the thought of being locked up began to flood that very mind. I was in prison. A place I never thought I would end up. It’s crazy how life works though. Before my arrest, I was working for a prison that held those who were suicide risk and criminally insane. I worked in the nursing department. Funny right? A recovering junkie/suicidal criminal working with those who were exactly like me… those who had the same mental issues as me. Unfortunately it didn’t last too long because one late night and a car search later, I was on the opposite side of the bars.

It was a harsh reality. I didn’t even realize that I may have just ruined my life until the cavity search… the whole squat, cough and open your cheeks ordeal was another experience I never thought I’d go through. But there I was. Mug shots, gang affiliation questionnaires, and the prison greens we are given as new inmates. A felon. An addict and a felon. Two labels that confirm the racist stereotype I’ve been labeled as my whole life. A 26 year old Hispanic Male, arrested for __________.

The solitude of 4 walls, a toilet, sink and a small steel bed, is a man’s true test. Being locked in a room for over 48 hours with no communication will have a him contemplating his whole life. I did just that. I know where I went wrong in life, and I assumed that starting a blog and writing a book about all of my past mistakes would help me come to terms with who I was. I was wrong. Being locked up was the key I needed to unlock the answers I was truly looking for.

My whole life had always revolved around physical abuse, emotional trauma, and mental strain. Finally, all those years of pain had caught up to me while I was trying to find myself. What’s the difference between staying in your room alone all day and staying in a cold cell all day? Aside from 3 cold meals a day and unrelenting solitude? Our free will is stripped away from us the second those cuffs were placed around our wrists.

Being in such a vulnerable state, as a man who has seen it all and done it all, was new to me. Yes, I’ve experienced vulnerability many times before, but this was different. This was the cost of the life I chose to live. This is where my addiction had led me to. I am a nonviolent offender. I did not kill a dealer who had shorted me, I did not break into a neighbor’s house to find something to pawn… Fuck, I didn’t even get caught with drugs!! But regardless of what my charges were, I was still there. I was alone again. Cold. Empty. The support system I thought I had? Wait… I didn’t really have one to begin with.

Originally it was my son’s mother, Lily, but it’s been a year since she’s left me… A whole year of solitude and torment. I cried for her, and I mourned. The death of a 7 year long love that I assumed would end in marriage and my premature death.

“I’m alone, I was alone, I will always be alone.”

That’s all I could think about while standing at the door of my cell. I had accepted the fact that I was in there, I just had to accept the fact that my recovery was pretty much based off an illusion, a beautiful lie I told myself in order to successfully walk the path of sobriety. The sobriquet I once had for the woman I loved now had no purpose. I mean, I did it all for her. I wanted to be the man I thought she deserved. I was tired of hurting her and seeing tears racing down her rosy cheeks.

But I was right, I was all I had. When in prison, all a man has is himself. The thought that I might have to do a minimum of 2-5 years is what keeps me up at night. Not being able to hold and kiss my son, not being able to see my step daughter, and the new woman I just met? Short lived. Who would want to wait for someone like me? Like I said earlier, this is all of my bad karma coming back to give me my just desserts. I knew the day would come where I either died or would have to suffer a fate just as bad as death.

I don’t regret my life. I wish I made different decisions, absolutely. But I am wiser because of the many mistakes I’ve made. I am wise enough to let people know that drug use could truly end ones life. The euphoria and numbing sensations may be a form of escape, but when you lose everything you’re trying to escape from, you only end up wishing you had stayed just a tad longer. In the end, all that awaits this life style is prison or death.

– Jay, “The Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love

Categories
drug addiction recovery selfhelp

It’s 2021 And Addiction Is Still Alive And Well…

After more than a year on my path to recovery, I’ve had so many experiences that changed my overall mentality towards drug addiction and issues that we face while holding the label. From personal to professional relationships, the many opinions that revolve around this topic can deter a person who is contemplating whether to pursue recovery and just continue using.

It’s no secret that during my time as an avid user, I absolutely loved the euphoric effects, the risk of using in public places or other people’s households, the rush we get before meeting with the dealer and that sensation from using after being “clean” for a few hours, days etc. My point is, the toxicity behind the love for using and the overall process becomes a lifestyle of self destruction, unnecessary/potentially life altering risks and the health deterioration we face the more and the longer we use.

The change in personality, all the empty promises and the criminal like acts we perform that most of the time hurt our loved ones are what people notice almost immediately. While most will judge and use our addiction as an insult, deep down (whether we’ve already accepted it or not) we still know what they are saying is true, no matter how much we verbally deny our actions to those confronting us. I knew I had an issue, I knew that my addiction to pills was quickly worsening and eventually I’d have to upgrade to a stronger substance. Although I knew the consequences, I was not willing to stop. In the process I lost everything/everyone that mattered to me.

I’ve come across other active drug users who have also lost it all to their addiction. Some want to get clean to better themselves and their lives, while others don’t want to stop using at all regardless of their financial status or health issues. I get it, I really do. The withdrawal process is excruciating, so why go through it? People say “this wouldn’t happen if you’ve never started” or “just deal with it, it’s all in your head” and other ignorant statements. In the past, society had painted addiction in such a dark and gloomy color which stuck to this day. Being portrayed as a criminal and “zombie-like,” along with every stereotypical insult is something that will not change.

Yes, it’s 2021. Yes, it’s expected that people will be more understanding because of the many awareness campaigns posted around the internet and the rise of information and sensitivity towards health issues in this era.
BUT that negative stigma will always follow those who face addiction. From a personal standpoint it seems as if people are a lot more sympathetic towards alcoholism and almost any addiction that DOESN’T revolve around harder drugs (opiates, meth, crack cocaine).

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT asking for pity for my past self NOR for my fellow addicts. I refuse to fall into the “feel bad for me” pattern that many use as a baiting source to get more of an audience. I’ve always had strong opinions of sensitive topics and although I tell my story, I will always keep my thought 100% genuine and blunt.

Anyways, as I stated above: I’ve experienced many circumstances where people who faced and “overcame” alcoholism or their sex addiction, or whatever else, and the overall opinion people had towards them was unchanged. “Yeah okay, they love alcohol and drank too much but at least they’re sober now right? Cool let’s give them their job back.” But whenever a heroin addict would come clean about their addiction or would get caught for whatever reason, the response would be the exact opposite. We’re all programmed to hate “junkies” and taught that heroin users are demon-like. After I left my job at a certain financial institution, an ex-coworker wanted me to come back, so I thought about it. As our conversation continued she brought up certain situations where I would look sick or tired and asked if I was an addict. I admitted that I used opiates but I had started treatment and after hearing that her tone completely changed. The conversation ended and I never heard from her again, and the job? I wasn’t allowed back.


While working at an agency that employs lower class people or convicts who can’t work anywhere else, I noticed two things;

1. The majority of the employees were addicts

2. the many active users working there only a use this source of income specifically for drugs.

From opiate users to crack smokers, I’ve conversed with more than half and they all had the same goals; to move into apartments (because they are homeless), to take care of their families and to hopefully survive the shift until we finally get that daily paycheck so that they could get their fix.
Did you read that? I hope so. Yes, they may be addicts but they also have families.

Kids.

Significant others.

Bills.

OH and by the way, they get HUNGRY TOO. Human. Remember??

Or they’re homeless, hoping to save each $80 check and finally get an apartment or at least a hotel room instead of sleeping under a bridge.

Their lifestyle and seemingly distant dream of a life without struggle isn’t too different from the majority of those who live in America. Okay, maybe you don’t shoot up, sniff or smoke. Maybe you’re fortunate enough to not homeless, and have a well paying job. I mean, yeah I’ve been homeless and jobless, but I was fortunate enough to have enough support to better myself. Too many others are abandoned even before their addiction became an issue. For some, drugs and the cold sidewalk is all they know… in my city at least!

So the reason why you are similar to your addict brethren isn’t just because you’re human, live in the same planet or have similar interests outside of your lifestyles; the reason why you are similar, why WE are all similar is because of our struggles, our dreams and our purpose. Although our struggles vary, our dreams aren’t the same and we all may have different purposes or haven’t even realized ours’ yet, we were still put here for a reason. So why is it that, in 2021, people still follow the atrocious trend of treating addicts like shit? Labeling us and casting us aside? Taking away opportunities that others get just because they don’t have a self-destructive vice? Why is racism still an issue? Misogyny? LGBTQ+? All these groups of people have so much hate targeted against them and it’s 2021! 100 years ago people thought we’d have flying cars, instead we have hate. We have disgust and we judge. Instead of adapting to modern ideals, the bigoted learned how to adapt hate as a countermeasure against these new ideals for equality.

Addiction is an issue that will be around for decades to come. There is no cure and once we fall into the cold and unforgiving arms of addiction, it will hold on for the rest of our lives. Even WHEN you get clean, that tiny reminder in the back of our heads keeps the possibility of relapse alive.

To this day I still catch myself reminiscing and struggle to keep my composure. The thought of my favorite drug still lurks in the back of my mind. It seems like the first few months were easier to handle such a drastic change of lifestyle. Again, it’s now 2021 and no matter how long I’ve been sober, the many conversations I have with the people I meet always revolve around those common topics. Addiction and drug use has become so normalized and it seems like we all have our own “drug” to help us escape. As I stated before, alcoholism, prescription pill usage, marijuana use, sex, etc. is all normalized by today’s media and modern culture. People are finally comfortable enough to admit they have mental illness or some sort of challenge because of the awareness and sensitivity of this time. With that being said, companies, doctors, insurance companies etc. all adapted to said modern changes and use our mental illnesses and willingness to open up as a source of profit. From the purchase of weed at dispensaries or the refilling of Xanax from a prescription filled out by a certain doctor, money seems to be the only common denominator in the whole topic of addiction.


When I left that agency, I was given an amazing opportunity to work for a hospital where the patients are individuals with mental illness and addictions who await trial for whatever crime they may have committed. It seems like anywhere I go and anywhere I work, whether it be coworkers or clients/patients/customers, I am destined to interact with those who face the same issues as myself. Maybe this is my purpose? To help those in need, to influence clear decision making and to enlighten fellow addicts to hopefully guide them through the darkness that addiction blinds us with.

Working in an institution where I must help rehabilitate fellow addicts and patients with mental illness keeps these thoughts in my head. It could’ve been me in here if I continued to use drugs. I could’ve been in this “hospital” that resembles a prison if I didn’t decide to walk on the path to recovery. Even if I took a wrong turn. Shit, I being an addict in recovery, there’s still a chance I could end up here. The barbwire that surrounds this hospital resembles the bar wired fence that we must escape when battling addiction. Being strong enough to endure the pain and suffering and eventually escaping the prison we put ourselves in is possible with faith, a strong support system, and willpower.

As much as I’ve suffered all these years, I’m happy to finally be clean. I may have lost the one woman who mattered to me, but better days await ahead. I really hope those who read this can overcome their own demons so that they can all strive and prosper. Happy 2021 to everyone who has sat through another rant! And thank you, be good people 😊- Jay

Btw, feel free to buy my book on Amazon!! Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love

And I’m planning on doing a small, small, small contest. I haven’t thought of the prize nor the contest itself, but I plan on making it a cash prize!! I’ll keep y’all updated!

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Addiction & Relapse: The Demon

Hello to all! I apologize for getting unbelievably off topic these last few posts. I thought I’d just separate my two topics into two different blogs/websites just to avoid confusion and annoyance to anyone who reads this blog specifically for the recovery and addiction related content.

(For those who are interested in the love, dating, infidelity etc. Topic, please, please, please consider following my other blog, Love, Infidelity and Everything In Between. I am operating under my actual identity rather than my alias, as you all know is Jay Orgullo.)

ANYWAYS, on to tonight’s topic… Addiction and Relapse. The Demon Who We Hate. The one who brings out the worst in us. The faceless beauty who only causes self destruction and a sense of impending doom. It’s been such a long road since I’ve published my first book. I even decided to start writing another one, because let’s be honest, recovery is such a bumpy road.

There are so many factors that play into sobriety, so when you’re only going through the motions but don’t put your heart into actually staying clean, the overall process becomes a drag. See, recovery was never depicted as an easy experience. Off the bat, we are told by doctors, counselors, fellow addicts, and anyone else with knowledge on the topic that staying sober is by far the most challenging aspect of recovery that we will face. The constant whispering from our demon telling us that we can just start over another day, it’s only one hit. Or the physical power hold that our demon has on our body, constantly punishing us and reminding us that it can all go away if we just take that hit, snort that line, shoot it up, pop that pill, whatever.

If you aren’t mentally capable of resisting, what good is professional help going to do? It becomes a waste of money each time you go to rehab knowing that you’ll only be back after a few weeks or months of sobriety. Shit, chances are you don’t really want to go, you’re only there because your parents or your wife gave you an ultimatum. I mean, if I’m being honest here, one of the main reasons why I got clean was because the love of my life said she’d leave me if I didn’t get clean. Here’s the funny part though. I got clean, changed my overall persona, and she left me anyways.

Imagine that. A recovering addict whose only life purpose was to love and provide for his girl and two beautiful kids. Now what’s left? An air mattress, a tv, a PS4 and a small closet holding a suitcase full of clothes, hygiene materials and condoms (incase I get lucky). I thought that I’d have it all again after getting clean. I was planning on proposing to the so called “Love of my life.” The woman I basically dedicated my new outlook on life to, and for what? To be tossed aside while still revive from the travesty I caused for myself. Losing my house, losing my job, and losing myself just wasn’t enough. Now I lost my family.

So what would many do in this predicament? Give up? Use it as a motivation to strive? Ehh. Well I ended up moving back to my mother’s house for a little while… Just to have her kick me and my son out too. And no, it wasn’t because of anything drug related, I promise. I had it with the constant disrespect and she wasn’t quite done so to my car I went!

After a few weeks in my car and around Massachusetts’ hotels, I finally found a room to rent and here I am. Reminiscing on the life I used to have. I once had everything a young man could want: A house, money, a beautiful girlfriend, and amazing kids. All dwindled down to a mostly empty room and an iPhone to create my content. But I shall strive. I’m not too motivated at the moment, but one thing I know I can do at a 6th grade level is WRITE. Writing is what I know, writing is what I shall do.

Which brings me to another topic I wanted to discuss; relapse. What is relapse? Well all my fellow addicts are too familiar with the term but for any new readers, allow me to enlighten you. Relapse, of Latin origin re-(back) labi (to slip) thus combined to relaps-(slipped back) then adopted to late Middle English. A noun and a verb which the dictionary defines as “a deterioration in someone’s state of health after a temporary improvement.”

But WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. Essentially it means that we as addicts find ourselves repeating the same old patterns that led us to rock bottom in the first place. It means that we weren’t mentally strong enough to continue on the path of sobriety due to the chronic use of illicit drug we introduced our bodies to. It means that we need to reevaluate our motivations and our overall purpose in life because we are worth something. We aren’t meant to roll over and die from overdose. We aren’t just “junkies,”“zings” or somebodies source of income. We demand respect but can only earn it.

COVID-19 and Relapse

So I wrote an article about how this ongoing pandemic will affect those in recovery. The constant lack of communication, visitation and overall activity leaves everyone (addict or not) in a state of dismay. It’s already hard enough for people who don’t have jobs or don’t associate with people, but now to be constricted and limited to our house as if we were animals? It can quickly deteriorate the mentality of someone who is already fragile. Studies show that 40%-90% Of people relapse at least once during their time in quarantine. I mean, I can understand why but I don’t know… is it worth getting sick or spreading the virus more? Are there any alternatives we have to avoid feeling that dread that follows this impending isolation??

For evidence’s sake, I went on to read other articles on relapse and how COVID-19 is affecting addicts throughout the country and it’s all pretty obvious things. I mean, we’re already told in counseling or in rehab that having a solid support system is crucial to remain sober. That’s the thing though, COVID-19 is an addict’s worst enemy. Due to the limited human interaction we have, and the isolation on top of the inability to even attend any types of NA meetings, this whole pandemic has been a painful experience. I used to attend these group sessions for people who are in recovery but one common complaint I noticed is that many of my group mates are so much more depressed and unwilling to remain sober ever since the in person sessions were canceled. Again, the limited interaction really takes a toll on the people who rely on human interaction to stay motivated.

The article “Is COVID-19 Triggering Addiction Relapse?” gives us an inside look on how this pandemic is affecting our fellow addicts. It states:

For people in recovery, connection and a strong support system are particularly important

Ashley Cullins

Simple yet crucial. I’ve heard my fellow group mates cry due to the lack of interaction in their lives, praying that they soon get the in person session they deeply crave. Being able to see a person as you speak and radiate your vibes of positivity is a huge factor for most people and is absolutely a real thing. We all have that sixth sense where we’re could feel the support and positive energy when we are in an accepting environment and some use it as fuel. Just like a vehicle, once that fuel runs out, the person stops running.

I actually read somewhere that we are unfortunately hitting our second wave of Covid-19 cases so what does that mean for us? As a whole, it means that we will be put on lockdown again and many businesses and hangout spots will be closed again. As much as I hate to say this, stay home! I know it sucks. Trust me, I’m alone now. I have no support system aside from the very few few few people who care enough to read my content. Although it may be discouraging to most, we must keep a strong mentality. If you relapse, it’s not the end of the road. You absolutely can start over but saying that absolutely defeats the purpose of sobriety and erases the weeks, months or years of dedication you put into keeping away from you drug of preference. Do you really want to go through withdrawals because one day you could access your dealer but the next they decide to take the pandemic seriously? That’ll leave you stuck at home going through the excruciating pains that happen when you don’t feed that demon what it wants.

I know it’s not the same as being in person, but you have a phone so use it! Call your group mates, call your counselor, your parents, siblings, significant other or friends. Use your social media platforms to interact with new people. Or do what I do, complain about your life and call it a blog!!

Either way, you are capable of amazing things once you put your mind to it. Be good people!!- Jay


Sources:

“COVID-19 is causing people to relapse” https://www.addictioncenter.com/news/2020/04/covid-19-is-causing-people-to-relapse/

“Is Covid-19 Triggering addiction relapse?” https://www.google.com/amp/s/riahealth.com/2020/08/11/covid-19-addiction-relapse/amp/

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Take Control Of My Heath

I had to take back control of my health. I had no idea how much damage I had done to my internal organs, my mental capacity, and my spirituality.

Take Control Of My Heath

This piece by my friend and fellow blogger, Ken Grady, gives us a short and sweet insight on the arcane battle an average person in recovery must face. Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way that, as addicts, we are targeted as if we were all criminals. From being blamed for another’s shortcomings, to being seen as scum whenever we are casually living our lives. It seems as if those who look down on us don’t even acknowledge their own peccadilloes.

The fact that we are physically tired, sick and damaged plays a huge role in our lives. Not only because we “LOOK like addicts” but because the actual toll that addiction takes on our bodies can be fatal. This is just ONE aspect the Ken wittingly highlights. Many of us can attest that severe drug and alcohol use has cursed us and our organs from performing to the point where we are in constant physical pain. It all started as fun and as an escape but now we are trapped. Trapped in the continuous roller coaster that addiction places in our lives. This roller coaster gives us a feeling of excitement but with the many twists and turns, ups and downs, that excitement turns into fear and will leave us in a mental state of lassitude.

What about our spirituality? Well I can’t speak for everyone. Just like many aspects of recovery, we all have our own preferences and our own faults. It’s crucial to have a higher power. You need to believe in something especially when you don’t believe in yourself. Addiction possibly has the strongest effect on spirituality because of the simple fact that the whole experience seems like a punishment. I remember crying to God asking if he was even there. I cried out for him, for Jesus, for my mother, girlfriend, whoever. Did I truly deserve this pain? All I wanted was an answer as to why I was being put through this punishment. I lost hope and I lost faith. My spirituality was bleak and without that, what was the point? Sorry, I should say what IS the point. So hold on to that hope you have. Never let go of your faith. That spirituality is what will save you in the end, no matter how much you’re punished. It may get severely punished but hold on tight. This ride lasts.

Ken reminds us that although that roller coaster may seem never ending, it is possible to reach that end, but there is always a cost. The cost being that physicality, mental capacity and spirituality. So is it worth it? Is the punishment worth the ride? Honestly, that is a question I could never answer. my roller coaster ride is far from over. I can’t even see the final hill that will bring this ride to an end.

Make sure to follow Ken Grady! He will be posting more content on his blog!! Link is above!

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Love & Infidelity

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your patience. I look forward to sharing my work with you in the future but in the meantime I am going to give you a little insider on my current project.

I have yet to decide on whether I should make this piece into a post “Fruits Of Addiction” project or just leave it as it’s own and stay on topic (which revolves around love, infidelity, relationships, family etc.) but either way, so far I’m pretty happy with what I have. Of course I am integrating my own experiences into this project but I’m also planning on making it into a more thorough and better researched piece. Unlike my first book “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love” which I wanted solely to be my own opinions and experiences.

I’m still a long way from finishing it, of course I’m looking to hopefully write between 150-200 pages (again) but so far this topic is very broad and making it into a personal piece may be a tad difficult in a sense.

Either way, the point of this post is to introduce an excerpt from this project to hopefully gain some insight on the writing and whether continuing would be a good idea. Also if I should make it into a FOA sequel or keep it as a new project. Thank you so much for reading, everyone!!! Enjoy 🙂


Part 1: Love

Love. The most beautiful feeling that one will ever experience.

Love. The meaning of life for most.

Love. The tragic end for others.

Love. Bestows a sense of completion along with a brand new vision on life.

Love. An ambiance that illuminates the vastly vaguest hearts and minds.

We all want to be loved, but as most have heard before; you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. That being the most heartbreaking piece of wisdom I once received from a woman who single-handedly tore my heart in two. She, the paragon of female beauty; I, a trembling specter.

I thought I knew what love was. I was willing to bleed out a river to demonstrate the love I felt for her. I used my sharpest knife to slice her name into my chest with the hope that she’d see the severity of my undying love. Not only that, I’d do it to remind myself that I’m alive. But now all I have left are scars throughout my body and polaroids of a past experience that left me with a hole in my heart.

I thought I was good enough to keep her happy, I was willing to yell out her name for the world to hear, even tattoo her name on my chest right over the scars that were slowly healing. I hoped that our mutuality would last just as long as those letters displayed boldly on my skin.

I thought that nothing I did would push her away, I was convinced that she would wipe away my mishandling as elegantly as she wiped those tears from her cheeks. Her skin left glistening after each tear raced down her face as if it was trying to reach her neck before being wiped away. It felt as if the more tears she wiped; the more her love was wiped along with them.

I swear I wanted her happy. Eventually, it felt like I was speaking only to myself when trying to convince an audience who saw the same flaws she saw in me. But there’s the main difference. While everyone else judged me for each flaw I unknowingly portrayed, she adored me. Those flaws are what she fell in love with. Those flaws are what made me stand out from the hundreds of men trying to be in my exact position. The beauty of our time spent together, stunning and sexy; as we kissed, and as she laid with the manipulative and conniving wraith I had become.

See, when you know how to use your flaws to your advantage and distort them to the point that they look like a unique quality rather than a damning disposition, that is when you can become whoever you want to. You can become the bad boy that she lusts over. You can become the warrior that she craves. You can become the source of stability that she needs. What exactly is this though? Manipulation so you could bend and control her at will? Prevarication so that you don’t reveal how damaged you truly are? Pray that she doesn’t see through your act because the second your true nature prevails, that lust she once had and those cravings for you that would drive her wild will quickly disperse. At that instance, she won’t love you for you, she loved that picture you painted. She loved the character you played. Your new role will be the stranger who she doesn’t recognize. She will feel disgusted for laying with you, disgusted for putting her lips all over you and disgusted for ever loving you.

– Jay


Again that was just a small fraction of what I have, but hopefully that was enough to understand what my overall idea is. To understand and try to explain the feeling of love along with the pain that follows when infidelity makes its way. Not just that, but other ideas that intertwine with the two. Please let me know what you think!!! Thank you all!