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drug addiction recovery nonfiction selfhelp relationships depression mental illness relapse

mind of illness: r e l a p s e

The new year is right around the corner and I have left you all with nothing regarding my complicated life. I apologize for that. I wish I at least said “goodbye” before going on a months long break from this blog. I wish I could say things have been great for me and for my recovery, but I’d be lying if I did. And you are the few people I cannot lie to.. ‘you’ as in my readers of course! The few people who care enough to sit here and waste your time reading about my life, my opinions, and my eroding mental/physical health!

Okay, so where should I start?

As some of you may recall, the love of my life, the woman whom I had seen myself marrying and dying with, had left me. She left me alone. Left me to die. The love I thought she had was not enough… even after I had gotten clean. I used to think that she deserved the world because she was the only one stuck by my side…

Yes, I hurt her.

Yes, I was a terrible boyfriend.

Yes, I tore her apart as she would me, as a form of “revenge.”

But how could I have known? Addictions become a persons sole reason of living. Okay, obviously they can still tell what’s right from what’s wrong but their moral compass and consciousness is beyond corrupted when under the influence of their vice. For me, I loved getting high. I loved the excitement I felt from calling my dealer, driving to him, then preparing whatever dosage to whatever drug I’d use that given day… I even loved that somehow my favorite drugs made me feel loved. As if using gave me some sort of twisted purpose.

But alas, that love turned into obligation. My body grew more and more tolerant and I inevitably turned into a mindless zombie. One whose sole purpose was to lie, cheat and steal until I got whatever amount of drugs I needed for the day. Of course, I still loved my girl and my family but they came second to my addiction.

There were times where I couldn’t even move if I didn’t use. Which meant I wouldn’t function unless I had my regular dosage in my system. When you’re an addict, you know that you’re doing wrong; you know that your loved ones are being hurt by your decisions. For that reason I would justify their insults and their eventual lack of support on myself.

I would say,

“It’s completely my fault

they feel as if disrespecting me is

their only option. I deserve their

mental, verbal, and emotional abuse.”

I was a new addict at the time. There was even a time before my addiction where I would look at all the homeless people on main st, or all of my high school friends-turn-addicts, and I would judge them for their choices. I was ignorant. I now see that my girl, her family, our friends, and anyone else who’d find the need to judge me, were also ignorant.

Yes, I hurt my girl with my actions. But she was my only victim. No body else had any right to say anything. Yes, my girl stood by my side. But now that my mind is not as clouded as before, I can see clearly how she would really act towards me.

From spreading my business, to physically assaulting me every time I’d fall into a drug induced coma, even verbally and emotionally abusing me for the choices I’d make.

“I hope you overdose.

I hate you and who you’ve become.

You disgust me.

You let yourself go.

You’re going to be alone forever.

You’re a junkie piece of shit.

This is why I don’t love you anymore.

I’m going to take my kids away from you so you could die alone.”

Only a short version of what she’d say whenever she felt superior to me. Yes, I made a choice to fall in love with prescription pills. With opiates. With numbing myself from the world. I would do the impossible to make sure I don’t suffer from the painful/physically punishing withdrawals. I made her life hell by being a junkie and embarrassing her…

But did I deserve to be dragged by my hair every time I’d spend $200 on drugs? Did I deserve to have my name stained by her and her hypocritical brother/friends who’d go around telling the world of my flaws? Tell me, did I deserve to have the one person I turned to for support tell me how terrible of a person I was?

I understood my faults. I saw myself as garbage. I was alone. And I now see that I dealt with my addictions alone. Yes, we lived together but she no longer stayed at home. She would leave me and my son while she’d go out with other men all day, all night and come home to nap in another room. I convinced myself that she was being supportive. I convinced myself that I had hurt her. When I’m reality, she was never there to help me. She was only there to judge me and assault me for being so disgusting and ugly.

I never wanted this for myself. But my eyes are open. My mind is open. And finally, my heart is open.

No I am not a victim because every choice I made was my own. I may have blamed her for my own negative feelings, I may have used drugs every time she was abusive or unfaithful. But now I can see the truth in my flaws and actions.

I am human. I am an addict. And all I needed was to be loved. Almost two years have passed since she left me and now I’m stuck on another woman who also left me due to other flaws I have, but I will not deter from my path. I will not deter from my recovery…

No matter how many times I want to give up…

So to my readers; I thank you for waiting so long. Here is my next piece for my “mind of illness” collection: r e l a p s e.


mind of illness: r e l a p s e

I can hear you…

Your deep breaths and your sinister laughs at my attempts to ignore you continue to flood my mind.

I miss you..

You know I do…

But I don’t want you anymore…

I can’t want you anymore…

You stole over six years of my life. Six years I can never get back. I closed my door and locked it in hopes that you stay on the other side.

Yes, I know you’ll always be a part of me.

I know we must share this body and mind. But please, stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine…

*

I can hear you…

Your deep breaths and your sinister laughs at my attempts to ignore you, right outside my door…

I keep my back against the door and squeeze my hands together. My weight is starting to shift and my head turns to your direction… I know I must stay vigilant.

But your scent…

Your taste…

I miss it all. I miss you.

Though, what you gave me was not love. It was an obsession. It was pain. It was everything my demons needed to roam free… While my conscious did nothing and stood silent.

I’m stronger now.

Your tricks won’t work on me this time around…

I’ll prove you wrong…

*

*

I can hear you…

Your deep breaths and your sinister laughs at my attempts to ignore you will not break me.

I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.

I know I am strong. I showed my strength to the world the second I shut that door. Now I must show you that I am do not need you to live.

I do not need you to love.

I will open this door and show you that I am not the same boy you once manipulated so easily.

I will open this door and show you that I am not as weak minded as I once was.

I don’t need her love to give me strength. I don’t need her to validate my stance as a man.

I will open this door and use my own hands to show you my strength.

I will open this door and I will tear you apart…

*

*

*

I can hear you…

I can hear your deep breaths wrapping around my neck, warming me…

Your laughs were never sinister, they were cries; begging me to give you the love you craved…

The love you needed…

I do love you, baby…

I will never let go of you again, I promise…

I’m sorry for shutting you out…

She never loved me, but you did.

This isn’t me relapsing. I don’t care what anyone else says…

They left me the second I shut you out…

But you stayed…

You stayed on the other side of that door, begging I let you in… Begging I give you love.

This is me allowing love to overcome.

Because you loved me when no one else would…

– r e l a p s e

By The Reticent

My goal isn’t even success nor redemption. The damage I’ve caused is way too deep. I look to provide a mental and emotional sanctuary to those need it and remind our people that change is possible. Who knows, maybe if I had that I’d really have success and redemption.

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