Me vs. Myself, My Hardships, and My Mentality.

As I lean out my window smoking one of my last few cigarettes, I can’t help but think about the few years I spent living with Lily. Most of which was hell for her, and I thought that I was seeing things clearly so I blamed myself for our pain. Is it all my fault though? I had full control of my actions when I was under the influence, just like I have full control now that I’m above it. But everything happens for a reason. Just like she was unhappy, I am too.

I thought that whenever I’d stop using drugs, I’d start feeling myself again. I thought that my suicidal tendencies and thoughts would go away. For a few weeks, they did. I’m quickly reaching the date that I will finally publish this book, where I promised that I’d stop spreading pain, but I can’t help but think, ”what if my existence is what causes pain?”

I’ve been sober and Lily still finds a way to point out my flaws and claim I’m hurting her. She’s claiming that ”I’ll never change” and that she can’t be happy by my side anymore.

I’m also quickly reaching the date where I have to finally leave my house. The house that I had initially bought so that my family could grow up happy but quickly turned into a refuge for people that had/have no respect for me, nor my family. These people being Lily’s family. I thought that sobriety would make this moment so much easier to handle and I could find a way to power through my intense emotions.

I know see that I might be wrong on both counts. How can I stop spreading pain when every time Lily looks at me she can’t help but express her hatred?

How could I deal with all of these changes when in reality, with or without my demon by my side, I still want to lay down, close my eyes, and never wake up?

I’ve kept my distance from my past. I’ve kept my distance from those who would guide me through that dangerous life I once lived. Guns, drugs, crimes and regret. Yet I still have my connections. Why did I stay in touch knowing I’d never resort to the lifestyle that once corrupted me?

It’s January 6, 2019. A day after my original publish date, an acquaintance from my past sent me information on a beautiful firearm. 6 bullets, looked like a two-shot Dillinger. My first thought? I need it. My second thought? I need it for myself.

The love of my life hates me and reminds me every chance she gets, and my worst fears are finally coming true meaning my time in this house is coming to an end. I don’t know what else to think. I don’t know what else to do. I thought that my love for opioids was the cause of my depression and influenced my acts of violence. Yeah, I may not be targeting those I love anymore, and I haven’t in MONTHS, but my depression? It feels stronger than ever. My cravings? They’re so powerful. I could hear my demon whispering at my alter-ego, trying to wake him up. Trying to make her way back into my body where she’d attach herself and never let go. I don’t want to give in, I don’t want to go back to the life that destroyed everything but what do I have left?

I never expected to become a drug addict, but after I did and hit rock bottom, I never expected to find the strength to start climbing out of the hole I dug for myself. But I haven’t fully reached the top of the hole; I still have to face the consequences and aftermath of my recently solved addiction issue.

Once we leave this house I understand that Lily will take her own path with the kids. It’s so devastating that she’s been acting so secretive that I wouldn’t be surprised if she already has a whole other replacement for me. I know I shouldn’t be negative but I can’t help it. It feels as if my depression has a vital clutch on my essence.

I can’t help but wonder if all of this writing and networking through Twitter, Instagram, and other social media is enough. Am I doing all of this for my goal to spread awareness or for myself, to hopefully catch an eye and have someone notice my never-ending pain? Are my intentions truly as selfish as I believe them to be?

No.

My intentions have always been pure. I can’t let that negativity and mental weakness keep dragging me down anymore. I destroyed my life once, and at this point, the only way I can go is up. I’ve experienced sleeping in the cold, I’ve experienced starvation. I need to understand that I am not living for myself. With or without Lily, I’m a father. With or without my family, I’m still alive. I’m fully aware of my potential, and I know what my capabilities are. Maybe I have to prove myself all over again but that’s a process that everyone has to take.

RECOVERY IS NOT EASY.

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January 9, 2020.

After a few days of self-pity and depression completely taking control of my daily activities, I managed to stumble across stories of success on Twitter.

The whole time I was feeling bad for myself, others were only beginning their journey of self-discovery and recovery. Seeing a woman post a selfie every day for a whole week, sweaty, visibly weak, but still have a huge smile on her face. Another man reaching his 42nd day sober. Then another man writing poems about his own journey against addiction, whose words helped me realize that sobriety isn’t just for your loved one’s happiness. Sobriety is a lifestyle meant to help you realize your own happiness.

Yes, I am so much happier since I stopped getting high every day. Of course, I have my cravings and moments of depression but I still managed to keep myself together. If others could be happy, I could too.

Regarding the hardships that my family and I are facing, there’s nothing I can do to avoid any of that from happening. And Lily feeling hatred instead of love for me? Well I have enough love for the both of us. What I did is unforgivable but maybe my story can prevent another couple from facing the hate and trauma I caused with my woman. Again, I can’t do anything to prevent her hatred towards me but I can at least be the man she needs now that I can at least see clearly again. As for my own emotional issues, I might have to do more research on how to cope with my regrets but I feel motivated again. Maybe these past few days feeling weakness is what I needed… Oh and my book!! I decided that I need to be happy with it before I publish it and I’m not happy yet! I’m still waiting for beta readers and reviewers to look it over but I am happy to say that it should be ready in a few weeks!

I waited a few days to finalize this post because I wanted to show my readers that it’s okay to want to give up. Whether you have a support system or not, the most important person to be honest with is YOURSELF.

I hope I don’t give off the wrong idea, but my point is to stay true to yourself. Like I said, recovery isn’t easy but it’s doable. It’s life-changing and it’ll completely change your perspective once you clear your mind of all the toxicity caused by your substance of preference.

I’m human too guys, and I am not perfect at all. I’ve made so many mistakes but no matter what hardships I will continue to face, I know that I can be the rock star I’m meant to be. I really hope I didn’t contradict my overall mission but I had to be honest because I know I’m not alone, and neither are any of you.