Last night was not a good night for me. As you all know I’ve been trying to promote myself and my upcoming project so it’s important that I live up to the role I want to portray. The fight against addiction is never ending and if I relapse then I’m just another hypocrite promoting and writing material that I have no business preaching.
Just some facts about myself as a person. I’m very introverted so starting a blog is way out of character for me, even if I am using an alias. Although, I am not revealing my true identity just yet, speaking on my life, experiences and opinions is a very difficult task but I put my heart into it. I’ve always loved writing but I never saw myself as talented, still don’t, so I never revealed any pieces I’ve made. Of course writing a book is a huge step for me but like I state in my upcoming project:
I assure you that the completion of this book will symbolize my promise to love and to prevent anymore pain from being spread from my behalf.
– Jay Addicted, “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love”
That promise, at this point, is all I have as motivation to keep striving and keep pushing forward. I understand, building a fan base, or support base is very hard and takes a lot of time but that is something I am absolutely willing to do. Again, not for myself but in order to use my experiences and knowledge to maybe prevent one life from knowing the pain and struggles behind addiction. Trust and believe my project did not start as a book. In fact it started as a completely different piece for a completely different outcome. Again, this is something I share in my project, but I won’t be sharing that in this post.
Yes, I’d love the feedback but somethings I still don’t feel confident enough sharing. Even though I didn’t leave out any details in my book, it’s still not public so I still have that time to build the confidence I need to share my story and perfect my writing so that it’s a piece worth reading. From my many failures to the pain and tears I’ve caused, that project is literally my life. Of course I hope to spread awareness of the destructive nature behind drug use and addiction but aside from the promise I made, it will also symbolize my rebirth as a person who has been successful with sobriety.
But back to why I had a bad night. For anyone who took the time to read my posts, know that my wife has suffered a lot by my hand, but what I haven’t written is the suffering I’ve experienced since attempting to stay clean for as long as possible. Yes, I’m a recovering addict. Yes, I’ve been successfully sober. But what non-addicts don’t understand is that no matter how long an addict has been sober, they’ll always be an addict. There’s no cure for addiction. This disease is permanent so relapse is always a possibility. Yes, my book dropping will symbolize my rebirth but realistically, I can’t tell the future and I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years. The idea is to spread positivity and spread the idea that sobriety is possible!
My problem had a lot to do with my wife and her family interfering with our relationship, and mistakes I’ve made in the past reminded her of how I used to be. Even though I’m confident that I’m a different better improved person, I started having doubts that she doesn’t believe the same. Me being clear minded from the lack of drugs has made me unbelievably calm that I don’t get mad and aggressive anymore but I can’t erase who I once was. Although I wish we were able to properly communicate, I saw that the damage I truly caused her and now I know that it’s not as simple as I thought. Even though I’ve been doing better, and our relationship was feeling whole again, it became so obvious that the feeling hasn’t been mutual. The fact of the matter is that I haven’t felt this blind since the time every inch of my view was clouded. That diluted view that I had, thinking she could just get over my past was completely unrealistic. Realizing that made me want to use again. How can I try to be a public figure when I still have moments of weakness like that?
I believe my past self is still dormant and once he felt my stresses he began whispering to me, but I ignored him as best as I could and ignored any negative feelings I had and still have while writing this post. I’m happy to say I’m still sober, but right now it’s not an accomplished feeling, it’s more of a painful feeling that needs to be satisfied. It is now 4 am and I don’t know how else to make my wife feel confident about the seriousness in my changes and my loyalty to her.
I can’t say that I can go back to who I was before I started doing harder drugs because I already corrupted my innocence. I can at least say that I shed my past self into a new version of myself who will continue my mission to fight addiction. I will continue to be the example I needed when I was a child and later when I hit rock bottom. Maybe that’s what she needs to see?
Hopefully in time when my book received the feedback it needs, the final copy of it will be powerful enough to open my wife’s eyes and erase and doubts she has. I just want her to be proud of what her man wrote and proud of what he’s trying to accomplish. I do everything for my wife and my kids. And everything else I do is for those who need someone to say “I’m here for you.” Only God knows that I needed that when experiencing my own struggles. – Jay
Fruits of Addiction 